March 30, 2017 Kevin

3 rules for hiring a damn good digital marketer

If you’re considering hiring a digital marketing expert there are only 3 things you need to check on to see if they’re going to be any good.

  1. Do they own a white laptop?
  2. Have they got a succulent and a cup of fresh coffee with them at all times?
  3. Do they photograph their laptop, succulent and coffee all the time?

Here’s a selection of handy reference photos for you to cut out and keep to help navigate these tricky waters:

Going the extra mile

This is classic composition. No marketer worth their pink himalyan salt gets to work without their laptop at a 45 degree angle to the edge of the table. Full marks.

Note the additional iPhone and leather bound notebook; these nice touches suggest you’re looking at one of the top 3%* of digital marketers. Do not let them slip through your fingers.

*We reserve the right to invent facts in order to maintain an air of authority on this subject.


I’m with stoopid

This clown forgot to include their laptop in the photo. If they can’t get a simple thing like this right how can you trust them with your marketing plans?


Glutton and glee

This greedy swine has got two coffees and some sort of fig granola. They will almost certainly eat your profits. They’re probably vegan and don’t realise that figs contain the bodies of dead wasps. Ha! That’ll learn them.


Hey Macarona

This brand-whore is getting macaron crumbs all over their laptop. It’s ostentatious but at least they’re trying. Think long and hard before taking on this marketer.


By the book

This is textbook stuff but but the shutterstock watermark suggests that all is not as it seems. Expect to get into bother down the line as this marketer flagrantly flouts copyright law (ahem) to use whichever photos they damn well please.


As you can see, it’s a bloody minefield out there but if you stick to the 3 fundamentals you’ll be in safe hands.

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